when silly thoughts go through my head, she don't use jelly, i shall never grow old

a quiet morning at work, AND THEN

Brain: HEY.

Me: Oh, Christ.

Brain: KNOW WHAT WOULD BE AWFUL? IF YOU DIDN'T GET THAT PERMANENT POSITION YOU'RE INTERVIEWING FOR AT THE OFFICE TODAY. BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN THAT YOU'RE BAD AT EVERYTHING.

Me: Right, yeah, that sounds-

Brain: BUT KNOW WHAT WOULD BE EVEN WORSE THOUGH? IF YOU DID GET IT.

Me: ... Why?

Brain: BECAUSE IF YOU GET IT THAT MEANS YOU WILL BE STUCK IN UNSATISFYING OFFICE JOBS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. NO WRITING. NO LIBRARY WORK. JUST FORMS AND EMAILS AND THAT ONE FAULTY LIGHT THAT FLICKERS AND MAKES YOUR EYE TWITCH. FOREVER.

Me: Hm. I do hate that one light.

Brain: I KNOW RIGHT.

Me: But, wait, Brain, this just doesn't scan. I'm a loser if I DON'T get it because that means I've failed. I'm a loser if I DO get it because it will be a kind of boring office job instead of My Calling™. But really, couldn't you turn both of those sentiments around? Like, I'm not a loser if I DON'T get it because hooray, I will still be free to look for work in my field! But I'm also not a loser if I DO get it, because hooray, a job that pays well, and that I can LITERALLY QUIT AT ANY TIME! That makes at least as much sense, and makes me feel way better about myself. Can't we go with that?

Brain: WE COULD.

Me: Well, that's grea-

Brain: BUT WE WON'T.

Me, sighing deeply: Of course we won't.
all the possibility and promise, if you never take the first step, we prayed to perfect avalon

this just in

I ACTUALLY HAVE AN INTERVIEW WITH HALIFAX PUBLIC LIBRARIES NEXT WEDNESDAY.

A REAL LIVE INTERVIEW. FOR A UNIONIZED POSITION.* AS A LIBRARIAN, NOT A SAD INTERN.**

SHRIEK.***

* Alright, so it's a unionized floater position that would only give me twenty hours a month. I'd still be in the union and therefore eligible to apply for a lot more jobs (and I would actually be considered for those jobs and not have my resume thrown immediately onto the Fuck It Pile).

** Note: I am not ACTUALLY sad about my internship. Though I am a little sad about the pay.

*** This may not sound that exciting, but I swear HPL is harder to get into than the damn Mafia. I've seriously applied for almost every position they've advertised for the past two and a half years and this is the first time I have gotten a callback.
when silly thoughts go through my head, she don't use jelly, i shall never grow old

we are all a bunch of animals who never paid attention in school

I haven't updated this thing in a while. Not properly, at least. So here's a basic life update for all three of you who still use LJ.

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when silly thoughts go through my head, she don't use jelly, i shall never grow old

confession

Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not living the way I always imagined I would in my twenties. When I imagined where I'd be now as a teenager I pictured, oh, squatting in a broken-down townhouse full of punks and artists and radicals, and writing beautiful terrible drunk poetry, and having awkward one-night stands. Getting cool haircuts. Not owning a TV. Maybe making zines or something. Drugs and late nights and waking up in unfamiliar places. Instead I'm in grad school, engaged, and living in an apartment in the not-quite-suburbs. With a TV and matching lamps. And a fuckton of cats.

I mean, I expected the cats. But not the rest of it. I wear cardigans now, and frame pictures instead of tacking them directly onto the wall, and I've fallen asleep on the couch three times this week! Before midnight, even!

I like my life, but I find it interesting that it bears so little resemblance to the way I thought I'd live when I was young. I don't believe in selling out as a concept anymore, really, for a lot of reasons, but I did back then, and I know that's what I'd think happened.

I still plan on getting a lot of tattoos, though. And cool haircuts. So there's that, I suppose.