Me: Oh, Christ.
Brain: KNOW WHAT WOULD BE AWFUL? IF YOU DIDN'T GET THAT PERMANENT POSITION YOU'RE INTERVIEWING FOR AT THE OFFICE TODAY. BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN THAT YOU'RE BAD AT EVERYTHING.
Me: Right, yeah, that sounds-
Brain: BUT KNOW WHAT WOULD BE EVEN WORSE THOUGH? IF YOU DID GET IT.
Me: ... Why?
Brain: BECAUSE IF YOU GET IT THAT MEANS YOU WILL BE STUCK IN UNSATISFYING OFFICE JOBS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. NO WRITING. NO LIBRARY WORK. JUST FORMS AND EMAILS AND THAT ONE FAULTY LIGHT THAT FLICKERS AND MAKES YOUR EYE TWITCH. FOREVER.
Me: Hm. I do hate that one light.
Brain: I KNOW RIGHT.
Me: But, wait, Brain, this just doesn't scan. I'm a loser if I DON'T get it because that means I've failed. I'm a loser if I DO get it because it will be a kind of boring office job instead of My Calling™. But really, couldn't you turn both of those sentiments around? Like, I'm not a loser if I DON'T get it because hooray, I will still be free to look for work in my field! But I'm also not a loser if I DO get it, because hooray, a job that pays well, and that I can LITERALLY QUIT AT ANY TIME! That makes at least as much sense, and makes me feel way better about myself. Can't we go with that?
Brain: WE COULD.
Me: Well, that's grea-
Brain: BUT WE WON'T.
Me, sighing deeply: Of course we won't.